Those wascally WAGS: definitive proof the Ashes were lost ‘cos of the ladies

Rebecca O’Donovan and Shaun Marsh.

Jessica Bratich and Mitchell Johnson

Kyly Clarke

Rebecca O’Donovan and Shaun Marsh.

Jessica Bratich and Mitchell Johnson

Kyly Clarke

Rebecca O’Donovan and Shaun Marsh.

Jessica Bratich and Mitchell Johnson

Kyly Clarke

Never let circumstance get in the way of a good stereotype.

Ian “It’s all the WAGs’ fault’ Healy might want to inspect his family tree a little more closely before apportioning blame for the Australia cricket Test team’s humiliating loss of the Ashes.


Ian Healy was a cricketer some time ago and now spends his time making dubious claims during cricket commentary, namely than the wives and girlfriends of the Test cricketers were behind the Australian XI’s utter capitulation to England.

Ian Healy’s niece is Alyssa Healy.

Alyssa Healy is the superstar wicketkeeper for the Australian women’s team.

Alyssa Healy is also the fiancee of Australian bowler Mitchell Starc, or according to Uncle Ian, a member of that dangerous and soul-destroying pack known as the WAGS.

Mitchell Starc was the leading wicket taker during the last, disastrous Test at Trent Bridge.

Myth. Busted.

But we Ozstralian’s must take these threats to our national deity’s, The Australian Men Cricket Team All Capitals and Respect, very seriously, and on closer inspection we have identified a select few who prove a clear and present danger to The Boys.

Kyly Clarke nee Boldy (Michael Clarke)

Bio: The leader of the pack, so to speak. Currently a brand ambassador with Rebel Sports (aha! a Rebel. The thlot plickens.) Models in her spare time (when not destroying the hopes of the Oz 11.) Dancing with the Stars, Season 14 Alumni – retired hurt.

Risk assessment: With a baby on board and all those public displays of affection and support for one another, it is clear Captain Clarke has been bewitched by Rebel Kyly. Pregnant with their first child, Kyly is in violation of the rules. Y’know. Bro’s before…err, wives. Runs before buns (in the oven).  Not chicks before wicketsticks.

Status : Double Threat.

 Jessica Johnson nee Bratich (Mitchell Johnson)

Bio: Deputy Rebel leader. Johnson reportedly only gives interviews these days on the condition she not be referred to in print as a cricket WAG.

“People think, ‘WAG, Oh you do nothing’,” she told reporters last year. “I don’t like the negative connotations that go with it.

“There are a lot of hardworking girls who do their own thing, the stereotype is the hard thing to shake,” she explains.

“That’s a title that someone else gives you.”

Oh, and some trivial facts about the lass. She is an accomplished sportswoman in the field of martial arts, won bronze in the 2006 Karate World Championships. Runs her own successful accessories business. Raises big bucks for charity. Mum to a beautiful baby girl.

Assessment: Refuses to co-operate with media bestowed cliches of WAGdom. Clearly a rebellious and seditious influence to team ethos.

Status: Dangerous.

Melissa Waring (Nathan Lyon)

Bio: Known to the other wascally WAGS as Mel, she and “Nath”(aha! familiarity breeds contempt for cricket team) first met when they both lived in Canberra. They hit it off straight away on the dance floor at Mooseheads, a nightclub with exactly the amount of class and reputation one might expect from an establishment named Mooseheads.

Worked as a “highly competent and experienced nanny”, according to WAG Virginia Lette, wife of former Test cricketer Ed Cowan.

Mum to two. Travelled with the team to England during the 2013 Ashes campaign while heavily, heavily pregnant with first daughter. Gave birth to second daughter while Lyon watched on through Skype from the United Arab Emirates. Clearly a capable and determined lady and therefore perceived threat to Our Sporting Boys Who Need Stepford Wives To Win.

Status: Highly suspect.

Bec O’Donovan (Shaun Marsh)

Bio: A working and successful television journalist who pursued a career over a blossoming romance with Marsh in the early stages of their relationship, upping stumps from Perth and moving to Bunbury for a job. Marsh stuck around (bless his socks). Bec eventually got a job at one of the major networks in Perth and they married in April. A梧桐夜网

Risk Assessment: Smart, driven independent, successful and a member of the fourth estate? Uh oh.

Status: Danger Will Robinson. Danger.

Sam Nelson (Peter Nevill)

Born in Surrey, Sam….Wait. WAIT JUST A MINUTE. Born in Blighty? Say no more.

Assessment: A British spy sent in to undermine Australian Test cricket. The WAGS have been breached! Repeat. The WAGS have been breached.

Status: The newest and most dangerous of the lot. Call Immigration. Call Ian Healy. Call someone. THE WAGS MUST BE STOPPED.

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